2014 looking back and 2015 looking further up
(small trigger warning for ableism at one point)
If I had to do the elevator phrase for 2014 it really was a year of out with the old debris and in with the new foundations.
Sometimes, at the time, this was “positive.” Sometimes it was “negative.” Mostly, I got the “negative” to where it just “was.”
It didn’t look better at the start of the year. Financial pressure and mental health issues (close to 15 on the Beck inventory) were not good. Abusive emails from some people and the sudden notice of termination of a source of income didn’t help either.
But then, when it was least expected, from out of the wild blue yonder…Dossie Easton and the Radical Ecstasy weekend at the time of the March equinox. And thereafter I was in stage 3 of my overall life.
Helena May, how can I find enough words of thanks and gratitude for gently nudging me to take the plunge? Perhaps only one word is enough, the new word for you: heartsight. I have met and been guided by some amazing people in the last 20 years; your depth and breadth of unconditional love still makes me (as a tribute to the late Joe Cocker as well) “stand in wonder.”
Clearing out 2 big shadows of a lifetime was like ripping out a field of weeds by the roots. One, being fear of ridicule came up reasonably easily. The other being the years of anger I had let people pour into me were harder to uproot; thank you to those who were there as the rock-hard ground holding the weeds broke up and some toxic emotional vapours leaked out. Thank you to those who taught me new skills to better handle such situations.
So the furnace of anger, that previously only a needed a match to flare it up again was snuffed out. And now when someone throws a match on it, the flame just dies away.
And there were other benefits. I was able to be more in the present than being weighed down by my past or living in the future as a form of escapism. I was able to move more out of my comfort zone. And I was able to change to more healthy fluids rather than needing the addiction of soft drink (252 days and counting on that one).
James Dominguez: thank you for organising the crowd-funding that stabilised my financial position and eliminated that stress. I wish you the all the Universal flow back as we enter 2015.
Thank you to the union rep who assisted me and helped achieve the Fair Work case outcome re the termination mentioned above (can’t say more publicly). Thank you to the peeps at 3 CR who connected me with the union when deadlines were looming. Justice can happen and in the words of Billy Bragg (assume Cockney accent) “there is power in a union.”
An interesting theme that emerged mid-year was dealing with what I will call misuse of masculine power. (3 things: I don’t have a better name for this yet, let’s go with the word masculine for better or worse for now and that these things happened involving people of different bodies recorded at birth and gender identities). I’m still working on this one; then again, isn’t most of humanity (wry smile)?
These scenarios led to 2 endings with some grief and loss before getting to “it just was.” I proactively terminated a client who no longer valued my services, despite the resulting loss of income. I had to learn to have faith it would be alright. The Universal flow has rewarded my faith and my fears were overcome.
(ableism in 2 paragraphs from now)
Another scenario saw the ending of what I will call a long time personal connection. But when someone reveals their truth underneath the condescending and bulldozing attitudes and thinks they have the right to say you are only entitled to have a certain number of opinions, that’s someone who clearly doesn’t understand basics of friendship, namely equality and respect. I will only have people in my life on an equal basis, K?
I am grateful I was able to recognise I needed time out in the midst of these scenarios. Thank you to the shoe clearance outlet that had a $50 clearance sale in the midst of this time and enabled my fave retail therapy moment of the year: the boots.
And the year ended with another piece of learning. I often say the first 29 1/2 years of my life seem like a distant dream where I’ve woken up with the good bits in reality. Yet sometimes, murky stuff pops up from that past as happened late in the year. Another personal development situation came up with my block to physical exercise (ableism here). The nasty names from that all boys school where I was not good at sport. Unco (short for un co-ordinated) and spastic. I had not realised how deep they had buried themselves and how the feelings of ridicule had kept me from exercise and physicality (as separate from sensuality). It is a case of small steps and steady as it goes on this one; I am looking forward to greater fitness and being able to wear some fave wardrobe items again in 2015.
I acknowledge the loss of Sugar and Prince. I still have moments of denial re Prince leaving before 6 years old. I acknowledge the good memories of both too.
I am grateful to the 10 people who provide me with an ear and a shoulder when I need to clear my head. You will receive special and separate thanks.
I am grateful for the love and intimacy that came my way this year…but I don’t kiss and tell so that’s all you get here.
I am grateful for all the things that have happened in my work such as TGV’s office, the BGILT aged care training, increasing interest in bi issues and the human rights award (holy gender diversity) to name just a few.
I am grateful for the love of my family, the good times we shared…and the booze dad forced me to drink when I visited Queensland in November
I am grateful for the sharing of connections via mum and dad that will create an exciting opportunity in 2015.
I am grateful for my housemate, friend and animal lover UJ and our 4-legged housemates and visitors. I am grateful the landlord has informed us there are no plans to renovate for at least 5 years – no cardboard box phobia issues to come back!
And I am grateful for WWE and Daniel Bryan for providing the best 2 clips of the year being the arena wide yes chant and the “you deserve it” on RAW the night after Mania. I will keep using them in 2015 (and that’s the bottom line coz salgoldsaidso!!!) J
I am grateful for all the support I receive and for my communities of identity. This includes the poly community and Gary at whose place in the peace and quiet of nature enables the head and heart space to create this piece.
I have some new goals for 2015. These include better prioritisation and organisation of my time. I would like to be there more for friends. I would like to grow my income and wealth and one very practical seasonal gift will help realise that.
I enter 2015 with a true sense of optimism, faith and hope in my own life. I share that energy with you and wish everyone a 2015 that brings all that makes your heart sing, or that in WWE terms, makes you hold your big gold belt up high.